Finding Our Way: Boundaries in Relationships

   

“Boundaries define us. They define what is me and what is not me. A boundary shows me where I end and someone else begins, leading me to a sense of ownership.”

-“Boundaries” by Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend

Two years ago I went on a humanitarian aid trip to Kashmir, India. We did a variety of things but one of the most interesting parts was spending a week in the Himalayan Mountains learning the culture of the nomadic shepherds. The valleys were flat and dry with few homes but everywhere we looked we found protective structures built out of stone that stood about three feet tall. These structures were meant to protect the sheep and goats from the wolves and snow leopards that roam through the mountains at night.  The littlest lambs and goats were put into a hole in the ground and covered with a rock for extra protection. These protective structures built for the lambs and goats can be a picture to us of boundaries and how they ought to function in our lives.



Dr.'s Cloud and Townsend explain that boundaries are like a property line. Everything inside the property line represents our lives and what we are individually responsible for; everything outside the property line represents the lives of others and their responsibilities. However, because we were created for connection and relationship it is important that our “protective structures” or boundaries have gates that can open and close. Gates are meant to keep the good in and the bad out. Similarly, the pens built by the nomadic shepherds are sometimes left open to allow the sheep to graze and drink water; or to allow the shepherds in to care for the sheep. At night; however, the pens are shut to keep the wild animals out.

It may seem odd that I would follow up a blog on vulnerability with a blog about boundaries; however, the order is quite purposeful as there is a significant connection between the two. Someone whose boundaries are extremely rigid (their gate is always closed) is often unwilling to be vulnerable. These people tend to hide from genuine connection like we discovered in the previous blog.  In order to become more vulnerable we need to become more flexible in our boundaries. Some individuals, however, have such loose boundaries  (their gate is always open) that they tend to become overly enmeshed in their relationships with others and become susceptible to abuse. Many of us, without realizing it, tend to live in the extremes with overly rigid or overly flexible boundaries. A healthy person, however, often learns to live somewhere in the middle with a gate that opens and shuts at the appropriate times.

Take a few minutes to review the following questions. Write down either “Yes” or “No” answers for each question on a separate piece of paper. Your answers may help you determine whether or not your boundaries tend to be overly rigid or overly flexible:

1)    Do you find yourself unable to accomplish the items on your to-do list because you are
       continuously helping others to complete theirs? 
2)    Do you find that you continue to be hurt in relationships the same way again and again? 
3)    When you are bearing a heavy burden do you tend to keep it to yourself instead of asking for
       help?
4)    Do you expect others to know how to meet your needs without having verbalizing how you
       would like your needs met?
5)    Do you tend to push off little tasks of your day onto other people even when you know you are
       able to get it done yourself? 
6)    Do you challenge another person’s “no” by making them feel guilty or pushing them to say “yes”
       to something you want? 
7)    Your friends express that they would really like to go to a restaurant you really dislike. If they
       asked for your opinion would you tell them and suggest a different place?
8)    Do you become very upset by someone who refuses your advice or opinion? 
9)    Do you tend to make excuses or blame other for your mistakes?
10)  Do you refuse to accept forgiveness from others when you have made a mistake that has caused
       much pain?

If you have answered mostly Yes to questions 1, 2, 5, 7,& 9 your boundaries are likely too flexible.
If you have answered mostly Yes to questions 3, 4, 6, 8, & 10 your boundaries are likely too rigid.



When you’ve been “lost” doing something in an unhealthy way it is hard to imagine that there could be another option, but there is! For this reason it is helpful to have a wise friend or counselor to walk with you through the changes. In addition, your friend or counselor will be able to offer you the support you will need when others in your life challenge the new boundaries you choose to set.

Though it may seem as though boundaries would bring more restrictions, when applied correctly, they actually bring freedom.  The work of developing healthy boundaries may be difficult, but it’s worth it!

What are you waiting for???

For a greater understanding of Boundaries I would recommend the book “Boundaries” by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. Boundaries can sometimes be difficult to understand and at times even harder to implement. Sometimes the help of a friend or a professional can help bring about the needed changes. Don’t hesitate to seek the help of others if you are beginning a journey towards creating healthier boundaries.

Submitted By: Sarah E. White