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Finding Our Way: Willingness to Hope

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick,
but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life" Proverbs 13:12

One sure way to get to know someone’s heart is to ask about what it is that they hope for. The things we deeply desire find root in the center of our hearts and souls and therefore the things we desire can hold a lot of power in our lives. The problem is, however, that hoping for something makes us increasingly vulnerable to disappointment and pain; pain that reaches to the core of our being. To hope is to be vulnerable. However, to hope is also to be courageous. One sign of a healthy person is someone who is willing to have hopes and dreams. When disappointments come or when dreams are ripped away it becomes quite tempting to hope for nothing and keep our expectations low. Sure, this is a safe way to live but it is far from courageous. Instead of some psycho-education on the topic, I’ve decided to share the following, creatively written from the imagined perspective of our Heavenly Father, in hopes that you might be both challenged and encouraged to hope.


“Beloved,

Why are you so afraid? Why do you keep looking back to the pain and disappointment? Why are you so afraid to hope? I promise you healing for the past but also newness for your future. Imagine that a farmer had a bountiful crop almost ready to be harvested but a swarm of locusts came and destroyed his crop and stole his harvest; he would be devastated. All that work, all that time, would be for nothing. It’s wasted. The following year he planted a crop and a drought came. The crop withered and died, and the soil was dry and cracked. The farmer had to endure the drought, famine and wasteland, not knowing when it would end. But now the rain comes, the sun shines, and the land is ready for a new crop. The farmer has a storehouse full of seeds. Should he continue to focus on that which was lost? Should he withhold planting seeds for fear that once again his crops might be destroyed? That would be foolish! It would be worse to never plant the seeds than to plant them in hope, even if they might be destroyed. If the man refuses to plant the new seed he risks nothing but he also gains nothing. He is no longer at risk of being devastated by the locust, but instead he devastates himself. If the farmer chooses to sow the seed, there is risk that it may once again be destroyed; however, there is hope of a plentiful harvest. There is no guarantee for this farmer, if he chooses to act he must act in hope, but you see, beloved, more important than the harvest of a crop is the harvest of a man’s heart. Let your heart not be hard, let it not be hopeless. I know the devastation and the pain you have endured, but be courageous. Trust that I am with you; I am for you, and let the evidence of your faith in me be hope. Hope that is followed by action; hope that when fulfilled with be like a tree of life.”

All My Love,  
Your Heavenly Father”


 ^"3 Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, 

knowing that suffering produces endurance,  

⁴ and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, 

⁵ and hope does not put us to shame, 

because God's love has been poured into our hearts 

through the Holy Spirit 

who has been given to us."

Romans 5:3-5

Submitted by: Sarah E. White, MS

Finding Our Way: Navigating Emotional Triggers

In our previous blog we spent some time reviewing how emotions can act as an internal alarm system that alerts us to things going on within us and around us; and how listening and responding appropriately to this alarm is important for our health and well-being.  But what if you experience
your feelings as being out of control? What if you consistently hear that you are overreacting?  It is important to be able to trust our emotions, but it is also important to consider our emotions in light of our circumstances and consider if what we are feeling is in balance with what is going on.

The intensity of our emotions should often balance the intensity of our circumstances; however, sometimes this is not the case. 


Let’s consider the following example: 

A young mom is preparing a small lunch for her three young children. The baby is propped up on her hip, leaving only one hand to accomplish the task. Her three-year old son is tugging on her stating how hungry he is while her 5-year old daughter is refusing to clean up her toys. Her husband is sitting in the kitchen working on bills that are spread out across the table. She asks him to clean up and help with the children and he responds, “Just a minute, I’m almost finished.” A few minutes later she asks him again, the baby now crying in her ear and he states, “Yeah, sure, I’m working on one last thing.” The young mom feels a bubble of emotion burst inside her and she erupts in anger. She puts the baby down, yells loudly at her husband, bursts into tears and leaves the room. She avoids the family for the next few hours and leaves her husband to finish with lunch and care for the children.

We can identify with her frustration, right? Anyone would be overwhelmed and somewhat annoyed with the events that played out. But most of would probably be inclined to state that this mom’s emotional reaction was more intense than the circumstances warranted.

It is a confusing or frustrating experience when we find ourselves acting in ways that don’t make sense but we feel that we cannot control. People often respond to these situations in one of two ways: 1) denial or 2) self-contempt. I would encourage you however, to consider option 3) self-reflection. While this mom’s response is not appropriate, it is a significant point of reference for self-reflection.

What if I were to tell you that this mom was the youngest of 6 growing up. She was often overlooked and left to do things on her own, creating a feeling of helplessness and neglect. She feels pressure to do everything for her kids to make sure they don’t experience the same pain that she did and when her husband does not help her she feels that familiar pain of helplessness and neglect. Sure, she is hurt by her husband and overwhelmed by the kids, but the intensity of the emotion is more likely connected to the pain she experienced in the past and the thoughts and emotions that are triggered.

Though it is hard to take an honest look at ourselves and admit the times when our emotional responses are inappropriate, doing so, especially with the help of a trained counselor, can be significantly effective in identifying the unhelpful thoughts, triggers and buried pain that sometimes leads to these intense emotional experiences.

Identifying these underlying triggers does not excuse our behavior; however, it gives us a starting point to learn how to respond differently in the future.  It can take us from a point of feeling utterly lost, to having a clear, achievable goal. An event that was once a focus of self-contempt can then become a source of hope.

If you are experiencing a consistent pattern of heightened emotional reactions that seem inappropriate to the circumstance you are experiencing seek the help of a professional counselor to sort through it with you.

***Sometimes in abusive relationships the abusive partner can minimize or invalidate the victim’s emotions thereby creating a sense of the victim’s emotions as being “crazy” or inappropriate. It is important to separate these experiences from the above example. Please seek the help of a professional if you think you may be experiencing this type of abuse in one of your relationships.

Submitted By: Sarah E. White

Finding Our Way: Identifying & Listening to Emotions

I’m not a person to find myself spending much time watching television; however, one of my favorite commercials is the “Geico Drill Sergeant Therapist.” It is so far from an accurate reflection of counseling that it always makes me laugh. It is quite counter to the stereotypical counselor asking, “So how does that make you feel?” Though feelings are not the only thing discussed in counseling they do often tend to become central to the work of healing and transformation. This is because our emotions are intricately interwoven with our desires, cognitions, and behaviors. Some individuals come to counseling fully prepared to dive into their emotions and discuss them. Other individuals, however, tend to be more like the drill sergeant. They tell themselves they can’t cry and try to push their emotions away as if they were the enemy. Our emotions are not meant to rule our lives but they’re also not meant to be ignored. As with most things in life, it all comes back to developing a balance.

The first step in being emotionally healthy is being able to identify your emotions.

When you talk to a young child about how they feel they’ll usually be able to tell you whether they’re mad, glad, sad, or afraid. They don’t often have the vocabulary or understanding to express much more that that. Sometimes this is true of us as adults as well. We experience things going on internally but we struggle to identify or express exactly what it is.  We’re left feeling emotionally overwhelmed or confused.

We need to build up our emotional vocabulary. One resource that I have found helpful is the feeling wheel. Listed at the center of the wheel are the basic emotions we tend to think of first: sad, mad, scared, peaceful, powerful, and joyful. As you fan out further in the wheel the emotion words become more specific. The feeling wheel can be helpful in identifying our emotions but also in identifying the basic emotion tied to it. For example, if someone is feeling jealous, they can look on the wheel to see that jealousy actually falls into the category of being mad. I find it quite fascinating that a person can seem so overwhelmed and unable to express what they are feeling but once they look at the feeling wheel it’s as if the words jump off the page and things begin to make sense.

The second step in being emotionally healthy is to begin to listen and respond appropriately to your emotions.

There is little purpose in identifying our emotions if we are not going to pay attention to them. Our emotions were created to serve as an internal alarm system that alerts us to things going on within us and around us. When we are feeling happy or peaceful we know that all is well and good around us. This is a time to enjoy the moment and give thanks. When we feel sad it may communicate that we’ve experienced a loss we need to grieve. When we feel mad it may be that someone is hurting us and we need to stand up for ourselves or move away from what is harming us.  When we feel guilty, we can respond by taking ownership of what we have done wrong; seek forgiveness and repentance. It is important to recognize that there are no good or bad emotions. While some emotions may feel less pleasant than others all of our emotions are good because all of them are communicating important things about our internal and external experiences. Once we identify what we are feeling and the significance of it we need to listen to our emotions by choosing to appropriately respond.

Identifying and responding to our emotions is sometimes the first step in identifying where we are and where we want to go. Take a look at the feeling wheel. What are you feeling this very moment? See if you can gain some clarity by specifically identifying what you are feeling. Next, consider if there is something you need to do in response to what you are feeling.



What if you experience your feelings as being out of control? What if you consistently hear that you are overreacting? Do you act solely on your emotions and find that it causes more problems? We will further explore these possibilities and what can be learned from them in the next blog. Be sure to follow along!

Submitted by: Sarah E. White, MS

Finding Our Way: Boundaries in Relationships

   

“Boundaries define us. They define what is me and what is not me. A boundary shows me where I end and someone else begins, leading me to a sense of ownership.”

-“Boundaries” by Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend

Two years ago I went on a humanitarian aid trip to Kashmir, India. We did a variety of things but one of the most interesting parts was spending a week in the Himalayan Mountains learning the culture of the nomadic shepherds. The valleys were flat and dry with few homes but everywhere we looked we found protective structures built out of stone that stood about three feet tall. These structures were meant to protect the sheep and goats from the wolves and snow leopards that roam through the mountains at night.  The littlest lambs and goats were put into a hole in the ground and covered with a rock for extra protection. These protective structures built for the lambs and goats can be a picture to us of boundaries and how they ought to function in our lives.



Dr.'s Cloud and Townsend explain that boundaries are like a property line. Everything inside the property line represents our lives and what we are individually responsible for; everything outside the property line represents the lives of others and their responsibilities. However, because we were created for connection and relationship it is important that our “protective structures” or boundaries have gates that can open and close. Gates are meant to keep the good in and the bad out. Similarly, the pens built by the nomadic shepherds are sometimes left open to allow the sheep to graze and drink water; or to allow the shepherds in to care for the sheep. At night; however, the pens are shut to keep the wild animals out.

It may seem odd that I would follow up a blog on vulnerability with a blog about boundaries; however, the order is quite purposeful as there is a significant connection between the two. Someone whose boundaries are extremely rigid (their gate is always closed) is often unwilling to be vulnerable. These people tend to hide from genuine connection like we discovered in the previous blog.  In order to become more vulnerable we need to become more flexible in our boundaries. Some individuals, however, have such loose boundaries  (their gate is always open) that they tend to become overly enmeshed in their relationships with others and become susceptible to abuse. Many of us, without realizing it, tend to live in the extremes with overly rigid or overly flexible boundaries. A healthy person, however, often learns to live somewhere in the middle with a gate that opens and shuts at the appropriate times.

Take a few minutes to review the following questions. Write down either “Yes” or “No” answers for each question on a separate piece of paper. Your answers may help you determine whether or not your boundaries tend to be overly rigid or overly flexible:

1)    Do you find yourself unable to accomplish the items on your to-do list because you are
       continuously helping others to complete theirs? 
2)    Do you find that you continue to be hurt in relationships the same way again and again? 
3)    When you are bearing a heavy burden do you tend to keep it to yourself instead of asking for
       help?
4)    Do you expect others to know how to meet your needs without having verbalizing how you
       would like your needs met?
5)    Do you tend to push off little tasks of your day onto other people even when you know you are
       able to get it done yourself? 
6)    Do you challenge another person’s “no” by making them feel guilty or pushing them to say “yes”
       to something you want? 
7)    Your friends express that they would really like to go to a restaurant you really dislike. If they
       asked for your opinion would you tell them and suggest a different place?
8)    Do you become very upset by someone who refuses your advice or opinion? 
9)    Do you tend to make excuses or blame other for your mistakes?
10)  Do you refuse to accept forgiveness from others when you have made a mistake that has caused
       much pain?

If you have answered mostly Yes to questions 1, 2, 5, 7,& 9 your boundaries are likely too flexible.
If you have answered mostly Yes to questions 3, 4, 6, 8, & 10 your boundaries are likely too rigid.



When you’ve been “lost” doing something in an unhealthy way it is hard to imagine that there could be another option, but there is! For this reason it is helpful to have a wise friend or counselor to walk with you through the changes. In addition, your friend or counselor will be able to offer you the support you will need when others in your life challenge the new boundaries you choose to set.

Though it may seem as though boundaries would bring more restrictions, when applied correctly, they actually bring freedom.  The work of developing healthy boundaries may be difficult, but it’s worth it!

What are you waiting for???

For a greater understanding of Boundaries I would recommend the book “Boundaries” by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. Boundaries can sometimes be difficult to understand and at times even harder to implement. Sometimes the help of a friend or a professional can help bring about the needed changes. Don’t hesitate to seek the help of others if you are beginning a journey towards creating healthier boundaries.

Submitted By: Sarah E. White

Finding Our Way: Vulnerability in Relationships

"Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity. It is the source of hope, empathy, accountability, and authenticity. If we want greater clarity in our purpose or deeper and more meaningful spiritual lives, vulnerability is the path.”

-Brene Brown

Brene Brown is a leading researcher on the topic of vulnerability. She paints a beautiful picture of why vulnerability is necessary in healthy relationship but before we jump to our end goal of vulnerability in relationships, let’s get “lost” for a minute and consider what life is like without vulnerability.

I meet with people at some of their most vulnerable moments; I also get a first hand glimpse into the pain that exists when vulnerability is not present. I consistently see individuals who struggle to allow their internal experience to be expressed to their outer world. I see people struggling to share their disappointments and pain with others around them but just as often I see people struggle to express their desires, dreams, and longings. So what might this look like? It looks like an individual who lies or hides; a person who retreats to isolation, lives a double life, avoids any risk of failure, a person who keeps their dreams, fears, longings and tears to themselves for fear that exposing these things will just increase their pain. It looks like someone who orchestrates their life, relationships and conversations to avoid the risk of being exposed.

As a counselor I’m not immune to this fear of vulnerability, in fact I would argue that there is not a single person who is. When we choose to share the tender places of our hearts there is great risk that we might be hurt. In fact many of us go through life hiding because we have been significantly hurt in our past. Some of us have been so hurt that we avoid vulnerability at all costs. The problem is, however, that when we shut ourselves off to vulnerability we also shut ourselves off to genuine connection, acceptance, and love, which are the very things that bring healing to pain we have once endured.

Brene Brown finds in her research that while everyone may struggle to be vulnerable there are individuals who choose to face this fear head on and choose vulnerability despite the risk. Brown refers to these individuals as the “whole-hearted” and states that they take the risk to be vulnerable simply because they believe that they are worth the risk. It is my personal belief that we can begin to find the courage to be vulnerable in relationships when we begin to experience and accept grace. Grace gives us the freedom to make mistakes, fail, and it gives us the strength to endure and share our unmet desires and longings. Grace, especially when rooted in a relationship with God, has the power to shatter the chains that keep us hiding. Grace, however, is not always a guarantee; therefore, when we are not offered grace by those around us it is imperative to offer grace to ourselves and to seek out the grace and love of our Heavenly Father.

What would it be like to live life boldly, and with honesty, believing that your feelings, dreams, and ideas are worth sharing? How might it change you, your friends and your relationships? Though the courage to be vulnerable sometimes  leads to rejection it overwhelming leads them to much greater and sweeter rewards than those "rewards" that come from hiding.

Are you hiding? Isolated? Perhaps you need to start heading down the path towards vulnerability. Maybe this is something you can work on yourself or perhaps you need a counselor to help light the path. Regardless of how you get there… 

start today!

“Honesty and transparency make you vulnerable. Be honest and transparent anyway.”
-Mother Theresa

For a greater understanding of Brene Brown’s research take 20 minutes to listen to her video. Her life has not been the same since uncovering the power of vulnerability; perhaps yours will never be the same either. Brene Brown also has several books available on the topic, including “Gifts of Imperfection” and “Daring Greatly.” Some books I would recommend on the topic of grace include, "The Ragamuffin Gospel' by Brennan Manning and "What's So Amazing About Grace" by Philip Yancey.

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Finding Our Way: Towards Healthy Living

A few years ago some friends and I planned an overnight hiking/camping trip in Lancaster County. One friend and I had to arrive late and planned to meet up with our friends who had already completed the hike and had set up camp. We arrived with a few hours of remaining daylight. 

We were given basic instructions to follow the “orange” markings and were told that if we followed the path we would eventually find our group. With our heavy packs full of supplies, we started off towards our friends. Or so we thought…

We walked half a mile down a hill when suddenly the orange markings began to disappear; we corrected our steps back up the steep hill, relieved to find the orange markings. After another 20 minutes or so in another direction, the orange markings began to disappear again. Finally, we began to find our way and we were excited to see an opening directly ahead of us. As we approached the opening our sense of peace turned to dread as we realized we were approaching the parking lot where we had arrived 2 hours earlier. We were exhausted, our backs were hurting from the extra 50-pound packs, the sun was setting, and we were no closer to finding our friends than we were 2 hours earlier.

We were lost. In a sense we knew where we were, in fact we were exactly where we had started, but we had no idea how to get where we were going.  We knew we didn’t want to be where we were, we knew there was a destination for us somewhere in the woods, but even if we could ask someone for help, we couldn’t have told them where we were going!

 I share this personal story because I believe that this is often a person’s experience when they come in for counseling. People come for help when they’re feeling “lost” or when they’re certain that their current circumstances need to change, but so often they are unsure of where they want to go or what needs to change. People will state, “I just don’t want to be anxious anymore,” or “I don’t want to be depressed.” While these are fair statements and certainly understandable, the first step in developing a goal is to think less about what you don’t want and to think more about what you do want.

With a little help and some insight from their counselors, individuals are usually able to figure out where it is they want to go. They’re able to imagine the healthy alternative to their current situation and then, with eyes fixed on that goal, they can begin to move towards that goal one step at a time.

Perhaps you’re at a point where you’re lost but you don’t even know it. Perhaps you know you’re “lost” but you’re unsure of what direction to start moving. While the end goal is going to be different for everyone, we always want to be moving in a direction that will help us to reach a healthy alternative to our current situation. But what does it mean to be healthy? What does a healthy individual look like?

Over the next few months I will be exploring various aspects of a “healthy” person. I will be offering pieces of research and resources that can aid you in developing healthy goals and a clear direction. It is my desire that as we explore these topics you will find this blog to be a compass that continually points you in the direction that you need to go. As Socrates states, 

“The secret of change is to focus all of your energy, not on fighting the old, but on building the new”

We all get lost from time to time; let's figure out where we're going, fix our eyes on our destination, and start moving forward. 

Up-coming Blog: "Vulnerability In Relationships" 

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