Finding Our Way: Vulnerability in Relationships

"Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity. It is the source of hope, empathy, accountability, and authenticity. If we want greater clarity in our purpose or deeper and more meaningful spiritual lives, vulnerability is the path.”

-Brene Brown

Brene Brown is a leading researcher on the topic of vulnerability. She paints a beautiful picture of why vulnerability is necessary in healthy relationship but before we jump to our end goal of vulnerability in relationships, let’s get “lost” for a minute and consider what life is like without vulnerability.

I meet with people at some of their most vulnerable moments; I also get a first hand glimpse into the pain that exists when vulnerability is not present. I consistently see individuals who struggle to allow their internal experience to be expressed to their outer world. I see people struggling to share their disappointments and pain with others around them but just as often I see people struggle to express their desires, dreams, and longings. So what might this look like? It looks like an individual who lies or hides; a person who retreats to isolation, lives a double life, avoids any risk of failure, a person who keeps their dreams, fears, longings and tears to themselves for fear that exposing these things will just increase their pain. It looks like someone who orchestrates their life, relationships and conversations to avoid the risk of being exposed.

As a counselor I’m not immune to this fear of vulnerability, in fact I would argue that there is not a single person who is. When we choose to share the tender places of our hearts there is great risk that we might be hurt. In fact many of us go through life hiding because we have been significantly hurt in our past. Some of us have been so hurt that we avoid vulnerability at all costs. The problem is, however, that when we shut ourselves off to vulnerability we also shut ourselves off to genuine connection, acceptance, and love, which are the very things that bring healing to pain we have once endured.

Brene Brown finds in her research that while everyone may struggle to be vulnerable there are individuals who choose to face this fear head on and choose vulnerability despite the risk. Brown refers to these individuals as the “whole-hearted” and states that they take the risk to be vulnerable simply because they believe that they are worth the risk. It is my personal belief that we can begin to find the courage to be vulnerable in relationships when we begin to experience and accept grace. Grace gives us the freedom to make mistakes, fail, and it gives us the strength to endure and share our unmet desires and longings. Grace, especially when rooted in a relationship with God, has the power to shatter the chains that keep us hiding. Grace, however, is not always a guarantee; therefore, when we are not offered grace by those around us it is imperative to offer grace to ourselves and to seek out the grace and love of our Heavenly Father.

What would it be like to live life boldly, and with honesty, believing that your feelings, dreams, and ideas are worth sharing? How might it change you, your friends and your relationships? Though the courage to be vulnerable sometimes  leads to rejection it overwhelming leads them to much greater and sweeter rewards than those "rewards" that come from hiding.

Are you hiding? Isolated? Perhaps you need to start heading down the path towards vulnerability. Maybe this is something you can work on yourself or perhaps you need a counselor to help light the path. Regardless of how you get there… 

start today!

“Honesty and transparency make you vulnerable. Be honest and transparent anyway.”
-Mother Theresa

For a greater understanding of Brene Brown’s research take 20 minutes to listen to her video. Her life has not been the same since uncovering the power of vulnerability; perhaps yours will never be the same either. Brene Brown also has several books available on the topic, including “Gifts of Imperfection” and “Daring Greatly.” Some books I would recommend on the topic of grace include, "The Ragamuffin Gospel' by Brennan Manning and "What's So Amazing About Grace" by Philip Yancey.

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